Thursday, August 05, 2004
Dear Nab, Episode I
Here is just a little introduction before I start talking about the real problem.
I have known this guy, actually a friend, for over a year now. Things have been pretty good, until the day I found out he wanted to be more than 'just friends'. I was very surprised and could hardly believe a word he was saying. At the time, I didn't even believe that he liked me more than a friend, but he seemed to be really serious about it so I figured he was telling the truth. So anyways, I rejected him, because I only liked him as a friend.
Now, the real issue… This person that I am talking about is a really nice guy even though there are a few things I don't like. This isn't that big of an issue, but it is something some of us have to deal with at times. I guess by now you have figured out that I am a girl. So here is where it all started... One night, two friends call me asking me to come and hang out with them (one of the guys being the person this is about). I agreed, since I was bored and I wasn't busy in the first place. We drove around in my friend's car and at one point the guy [in question] comes to sit at the back with me. I honestly didn't mind that. BUT it's not about the fact that he was sitting beside me, it's about why he was there. I wasn't expecting anything to happen. All I wanted was just to hang out, nothing else. Maybe I gave a different impression, I don't know. And if I did, I was wrong to do that. So what happened was, the guy moved closer to me trying to do whatever. I didn't think it was such a bad thing, because after all he didn't get anywhere with me since I stopped him. That night, I didn't mention anything, but I did feel that I was doing the wrong thing. I just let it go, thinking it was a one time thing and it sure will not happen again. I was wrong. The next time, we hanged out; I thought everything was fine and all that. Well, it wasn't. I wasn't so much in the mood for anything, especially not fooling around. This time when the guy came to the back of the car, where I was sitting, he pretty much didn't care what the heck he was doing. The night before that wasn't as bad. I didn't want to be mean or anything, so I agreed to some of the things that went on. All I did was put my legs over his. I didn’t think it would get any further, I wasn't thinking straight. I just relaxed. But no, relaxing was not such a great idea. He tried going under my shirt, or whatever that was, after I tried to stop him and told him not to. He didn't even care about what I said. Look at this way, if I said no to something like that I think it was pretty clear I didn't want to go any further, and that would have been a good time to stop. First of all, I didn't want go anywhere at all. It wasn't like that. Don't think he raped me or anything. That's silly. Nothing happened. Okay, think about this. If you consider somebody a friend, you don't necessarily expect this kind of thing to happen. I am trying to say is that when someone says 'no' it does mean no. The impression I got about him after those two nights was that the only reason he wanted to hang out was so he can fool around, not because of any other reason. He said that wasn't true. I'm not trying to be rude or however you want to put that, I just don't want this to go on. I don't see a way to tell him how I actually feel about all this and act as if it's normal. I know I can just tell him straight up, no big deal, but he is a good friend and what will he think...
Disclaimer: I hereby wash my hands clean of any damages, physical or psychological, that may result as a consequence of my writing. I have the right to manipulate the letter in any way I find suitable such that it is made liable to criticism and attacks by me and any other reader herein.
Thank you for writing and selling your soul to me. I am going to publish your letter so that you may set an example to others of your generation and type. I will tackle your issue systematically so that I have everything covered and solved.
I suppose you have not yet studied The Ladder Theory, since you persist to call this guy of yours a “friend” when clearly he is more than a friend. Use the link provided to go over this theory, it’s a masterpiece.
“I guess by now you have figured out that I am a girl.” – No shit? I don’t think a male adolescent would have issues like yours and write about them. Also, this provokes me to add the following requirement to the visitors of this website:
“REQUIREMENT: STRAIGHT SEXUAL ORIENTATION, NO HOMOS.”
We learn as we go.
So this guy of yours wants “things” from you and you are denying him. Didn’t you go to church, don’t you know that Jesus teaches us to give, give and give to the needy? I suppose the problem you are facing is that you still want to be “friends” with this guy even though he treated you like… like the proper way a guy should treat a girl? You even ventured to put your legs over his, and still expect him to behave like an inanimate stick? That’s not how it works, I’m afraid to say. You see, you’ve thrown a well mixed cocktail of messages and hints to this poor guy, and he is only reacting accordingly. First you say no, and then let him do what he enjoys doing (first night encounter.) Then you say no again, and to prove your point, you place your legs over him (second night encounter.) Dare I say you are in confusion with what exactly you want from the guy? Maybe, just maybe, this explains why I addressed you with Wants-it-but-denies-it. I can’t blame the guy for doing what he did, simply because you haven’t done enough to show him what you don’t want from him. Oh you did say ‘no’ a couple of times. Maybe the message is not clear enough. Here, from now on, wear this badge when you are “hanging out” with guys:
You can get a badge like this one from your local extreme feminist cult; though wearing it would give the false impression that you are approached by guys frequently.
Summing up, to really solve your problem I think it is best to refer him to this article itself. Upon reading your email, he should understand how you felt about the issue and when he reads my suggested (and flawless) solution he will know how to treat you henceforth. The “friends” idea, toss it out the window. It’s a ‘give and you shall receive’ sort of idea that we're looking at here.
I am certain things will turn out fine eventually. I look forward to recieving more issues from readers that I can effortlessly solve.